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Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in Lost1's LiveJournal:

    Tuesday, February 9th, 2010
    10:50 pm
    Purging
    the past
    Thursday, November 14th, 2002
    5:55 pm
    This journal is being locked down.

    Most entries from now on will be friends only.

    If you want access to those entries, you'll have to ask.
    Sunday, August 11th, 2002
    2:53 pm
    Happiness is..
    Talking to your best friend for hours on the phone. It doesn't matter about what. It's the fact of talking and sharing with that person that makes everything worth while.

    I honestly can't think of anything in my life that is more satisfying than that. I wish that distance wasn't such a factor. Spending time with your best friend is even better than the occasional phone call.
    Thursday, August 8th, 2002
    10:30 am
    It's amazing..
    how many people like to talk - and nobody likes to listen.

    I have found an ever increasing number of people who like to hear themselves talk. It has gotten to such a point that I have stopped talking at some social gatherings in order to see if anyone actually notices that I'm not talking.

    Some people have noticed, and usually it's the chattiest people and they notice at the end of the night when they've gone hoarse from talking so much.

    It doesn't even seem like close 'friends' like to listen any more. It seems that nothing I have to say is worth anyone's time.

    Oh, there are a few people who do listen to what I say, but I have to say the right things. They don't like to hear the truth, they like to hear the truth as it applies to their view of the world. But if I'm not going to even tell what's on my own mind, why bother talking at all?

    The other thing that I've noticed is that a lot of things that people talk about don't seem to even bear any importance on anything. Don't get me wrong, I like silly conversations as much as the next person, but when that's allllll that ever comes out of your mouth?

    Maybe I'll just put my ideas into a book instead. Then someday when the voices and the chatter die down and I am long gone, they can read my book and find out what I was thinking all those times when I sat quietly and 'listened'.
    Tuesday, April 2nd, 2002
    3:03 pm
    Abortion
    I would like to make everyone aware of my beliefs on this issue. I am a person who is completely in support of a person's individuality and their right to make their own decisions regarding their life (right or wrong).

    I also want to make it clear that in the grandiose abortion debate .. it's not an issue of "women's right to chose" (prochoice vs. anti-choice), but of "when does life begin?" Those who believe that life begins at birth should not be faulted for their beliefs that abortion is a woman exercising her right to remove a growth from her body. Those that believe that life begins at conception shouldn't be faulted for their beliefs that abortion is murder.

    I myself believe that life begins at conception. I know that there is no scientific proof to support this and so I don't take sides against people who believe otherwise. However, I would like to err on the side of caution and give the benefit of the doubt that life begins at conception. This belief is basically driven from my religious beliefs which are even harder to prove through scientific proof - the same of which I would not fault someone who disagrees with me.

    However, if a baby can survive if it's born prematurely at 8 months, wouldn't it make sense that life begins somewhere between conception and birth? I don't think either side should take so strong a stance and we should be working together to further our knowledge of the process of conception, gestation and birth.

    My $.02
    Monday, April 1st, 2002
    1:33 pm
    I have been very good these past few days. I haven't accomplished a lot that would make me feel any better, but I think that there is less anxiety in my head than I've been dealing with as of late.

    Yesterday I went to my parents' church with them. It was more of a good will gesture than anything else. I'm not sure exactly what that church is like any more during a normal sunday service but my parents go to one of those "mega churches". They focus a lot on theatrics. When we got there the Sanctuary was full and we had to sit in the overflow room. Instead of having one of the other pastors in the church (they have 9) give a sermon, they made everyone in the chapel watch the service in the Sanctuary on this big screen. I felt even less inspired with that church after that then I did to begin with. I should have made my parents go to my church instead. At least I would have known that the service wouldn't have been a big show with a watered-down sermon.

    I met some relatives for Easter dinner too. "met" in the terms that I see them once or twice a year. I always feel uneasy around my relatives because they're all so goody-goody and I have to watch my language and can't talk about half most of the stuff that goes on in my life. I would have felt more comfortable spending Easter at my grandfather's house - who's idea of Easter would have been some ham sammies washed down with a fifth of vodka and orange juice.

    My mind seems clearer and my world seems more at peace today. I think today will be a day for accomplishing some tasks I have been putting off for a while.
    Sunday, March 3rd, 2002
    1:21 am
    My week has been somewhat productive. I've taken care of a lot of arranging of loose ends in my personal life with some good news. However, as I neared the end of the week I started to lose my wind and inspiration and once again started to feel down with the (to me) daunting tasks at hand.

    I know I can accomplish what I put my mind to, but I have to have the presence of mind to take on those tasks. I've been trying to maintain my good-natured attitude but I find it hard to keep my wits about me.
    Tuesday, February 5th, 2002
    2:37 pm
    Well, I got my phone back and I was able to extend my car's existence for another month by picking up some side work.

    I'm now looking at getting no money though because I didn't fulfill my obligations to the state unemployment office. I have to give them some more information in the next few days to get my money flowing again.
    Wednesday, July 11th, 2001
    11:57 pm
    What goes around, doesn't always come around.
    Sunday, May 13th, 2001
    10:03 am
    Visiting my parents for mother's day...
    And my father and I get into a fight about whether or not I will go to church.

    him: "I'm asking you to go as a son."
    me: "I'll think about it."
    him: "I need a yes or no."
    me: "maybe"
    him: "they're going to honor mother's there!"
    me: "I'll think about it."
    him: "well, I'll just tell mother you're not going then."

    Then I hear him storm out of the house and yell, "He doesn't want to honor mother!"

    Umm.. OK, now I really don't want to go if I have to put up with that!
    Saturday, April 28th, 2001
    11:19 am
    Was it worth it?
    9:30 am
    And to think.. I actually felt bad because I couldn't make it.
    Sunday, April 15th, 2001
    5:11 pm
    I'm in a good mood today.

    You probably won't see me say things like this very often, so I'll post them now while I have a few shreds of self-esteem in tact:

      Good Things About Me
    • I'm in good health
    • I have close caring friends
    • I'm extremely financially stable (for a change)
    • I'm smarter than the average bear
    • I'm a good dad and have spawned a wonderful son
    • Even though I'm a little out of shape, I still have a semi-decent shape
    • I have a good sense of humor
    • I have a great career - at this point.
    • I'm caring and considerate - for the most part.
    • I'm sure there are more, but I don't want to rack my brain too hard considering that I would rarely write anything like this in the first place.
    Thursday, March 22nd, 2001
    1:57 am
    You can save someone from many things, but you can't save them from themselves.
    Wednesday, February 14th, 2001
    1:33 pm
    Two of the DBAs just walked past my desk and here was their convo:

    J: They ran billing in Production and noticed a slowdown in performance
    L: And why did they run billing in the middle of the day?
    J: Because it's Valentine's Day.

    For some reason I thought that was humorous... =)
    Monday, February 12th, 2001
    1:31 am
    Don't shed one more tear
    Lean on my shoulder
    and whisper in my ear.

    I'll hold you tight
    and give you strength
    and set your pain to flight.
    Wednesday, January 24th, 2001
    8:26 am
    wilderness of souls
    I'm alone.

    I look around and see their faces.
    I listen and I hear their voices.
    I open my mouth to scream;
    and it only comes out as a whisper.

    I find no comfort;
    I find no safety.

    In truth I find lies;
    In hope I find despair;
    In company I find loneliness.

    There once was a strength
    That held back the pain.
    The walls are crumbling
    And the tears glimmer.

    The streams led to rivers,
    The rivers led to lakes.
    My tears leaked out and
    Summoned the seas
    The deeper the waters get,
    The smaller my ship becomes.
    I once sailed those great lakes
    With my sails hoisted high.
    Now I cower and pray
    For the storms to pass me by.
    Sunday, November 5th, 2000
    7:41 pm
    Lookin' back on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone
    This journal is long overdue and I feel like I'm sitting down in the middle of a movie trying to catch up on what I missed in the first half. I want this journal to be more candid than I've had a chance to be so only one person knows about this, other than anyone who happens across it.

    I need to start being more honest with myself. It's only fair to me and those I care about. I don't even know myself any more and I need to tear apart the walls and masks I've built up and reveal who's hiding behind it all.

    I have so much to say, but I don't know where to start. This is good enough for a start just to get the ball rolling and now I can act on this and start my journey. Thanks for being there for me *C*.

    So like.. I'm not a huge Backstreet Boys fan, but this song reminds me of how I feel right now.

    "Baby, please try to forgive me.
    Stay here don't put out the glow.
    Hold me now, don't bother
    If every minute it makes me weaker
    You can save me from the man that I've become

    Lookin' back on the things I've done
    I was trying to be someone
    Play my part & kept ya in the dark
    Now let me show you the shape of my heart

    Sadness is beautiful
    Lonliness is tragical
    So help me, I can't win this war, oh no
    Touch me now, don't bother
    If every second it makes me weaker
    You can save me from the man I've become

    Lookin' back on the things I've done
    I was trying to be someone
    Play my part & kept ya in the dark
    Now let me show you the shape of my heart

    I'm here with my confession
    Got nothing to hide no more
    I don't know where to start
    But to show you the shape of my heart

    I'm looking back on the things I've done
    I never wanna play the same old part
    keep you in the dark
    Now let me show you the shape of my heart

    Lookin' back on the things I've done
    I was trying to be someone
    Play my part & kept ya in the dark
    Now let me show you the shape of my heart"

    My bed seemed lonely before, but now it seems even more so - like I'm missing something that makes me complete.
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